The Silly, The Strange, and The Just Plain Stupid
In past years, it was customary for me to receive dumb communications only on rare occasions, and I handled my responses quietly and privately. It was my rule to always answer every email and phone call. However, there has been a recent trend of more and more dumb messages, and the tone of many of them has changed to a much more aggressive one. This page will help me to respond quickly to some of the typical dumb communications by sending the askers a link to it. Some of these questions deserve to be answered seriously as a work of charity, while others are worthy of equally dumb replies. If you have enough time to read this page, I do not give any guarantee that you will become a better person by it.
The phone rings.
Andre: Hello. This is Andre.
A Voice: How much is your free dance class?
Andre: It is free. It means you pay zero dollars.
The Voice: Oh. Then, do I get a free gift, at least?
Who is the best merengue female dancer in the world? I want to compare my dancing with hers and see who dances better.
Here is the link. Good luck!
I am a sophisticated size plus lady. I expect special attention to my needs in your class and want you to provide breaks for light snacks I like to enjoy. I also want you to provide a good looking dance partner for me.
Sorry, I cannot satisfy your expectations. No food is allowed in our ballroom. Good looking men are allowed but for some inexplicable reason all of them already have a dance partner.
Why don’t you have classes for women only? It has been historically proven that women are better than men and can live happily without men.
Ballroom dance is a dance of two people – a man and a woman. Historically it was a dance of a gentleman and a lady. After we lost gentlemen and ladies in our society, it became an imitation of a dance between a gentleman and a lady. It is a pretty artificial thing, and not many people want to keep this outdated tradition alive. You are right, we need to establish something new and contemporary, something like cave dancing for happy women who have gotten rid of the local men. My only fear is that, being an unnecessary member of this kind of celebration, I might be sacrificed as part of the ritual.
The phone rings.
Andre: Hello. This is Andre.
A Voice: Hi. Is this Andre’s Ballroom Dance?
Andre: Yes, it is.
The Voice: I am writing a review of the nightlife in Fort Collins. I talked to some of your former students and they said that sometimes Andre has an unpleasant personality. Is it correct?
Andre: To how many former students did you talk?
The Voice: To one.
Andre: I do not think that Andre’s personality changes. However, his behavior may be sometimes unpleasant.
The Voice: So, you confirm that. You do not like Andre, do you?
Andre: I wouldn’t say that.
The Voice: Then why do you confirm that Andre has an unpleasant personality?
Andre: I did not say that Andre has an unpleasant personality. I said that it would be fair to say that sometimes he may behave unpleasantly.
The Voice: OK. What is your name?
Andre: My name is Andre.
The Voice (after pausing): So, you have two Andres in the studio.
Andre: No. We have only one Andre in the studio.
The Voice (after a longer pause): So, you talked about yourself?
The Voice: But why did you talk to me?
Andre: Because you called me and asked me questions.
The Voice: But … you ruined my call.
The Voice: I signed the Code of Honor. I need to confirm information with the second contact, and I cannot confirm it with you.
The Voice: Because your opinion is favorably biased.
Andre: I am sorry to ruin your call. Can I help you with anything else?
The Voice: No. But I know what to do! I will call the same student again, and it will be the second contact!
Andre: It is brilliant solution. May I ask what your name is?
The Voice: No. I am working anonymously.
Andre: Then you will not sign your reportage?
The Voice: Of course, I will sign my review. How else do I get credit for all my hard work?
Why are you so anti-American? If you hate American Ballroom Dance, go back to where you came from.
I am not anti-American. I am not even anti-American-Ballroom-Dance. Though, I think that it is a low-quality version of the International style that frequently slides to the level of vulgar dancing. What I am really anti, is the usage of the word American in front of rubbish with the intension of exploiting patriotic feelings. As for your suggestion for me to leave this country, I politely decline. I may be needed here to counter-balance the rude behavior of some people.
I cannot find the place on your web site where I can print out coupons and discounts. Where is it?
There is no such place. I understand that it is difficult to grasp. Please try. Say the initial price of a product or service is raised by $20. Then you find a coupon that subtracts $20. You may feel like you are getting a discount, but really you are paying the same initial price as before. It makes some buyers very happy, but I do not play these games. Also, sorting out people who are constantly looking for coupons allows me to increase the average IQ level of my students.
Do you teach a 3 or a 5 dollar ballroom dance?
Currently, I am switching to a gold coin ballroom dance because of the economic uncertainties.
Please answer these 53 questions that I found on the internet to evaluate the quality of your dance classes. The answers must be only Yes or No. I am not interested in your comments.
The answer to all 53 questions is No.
I and my five girlfriends belong to a non-profit organization. This means that we have to be in your classes for free. Please mark your contribution to us below. It can be as low as $20 per class for each of us. There is no upper limit. If you do not respond before the end of May, you will lose this opportunity.
Looks like I lose.
My brother is an idiot. He paid for your dance classes and sent a gift certificate to my daughter as a present. I demand that you return the money to me immediately because my brother is an idiot. Do not expect to receive my contact information. I am not so stupid as to give it to you.
I could not answer to this message because it was sent with a fake return address.
How many dances per class will we learn? I expect to know at least Waltz, Foxtrot and Cha-Cha at the end of the first class, or I will find a better school.
My school is so bad that you will not be able to dance any of these dances even at the end of the beginner’s course. However, there are plenty of good schools around. The best ones will probably also teach you Tango and Jive in the first class. If you are lucky, you may even find one that teaches you the Hokey-Pokey.
My daughter told me that we need to pay for your dance classes. That cannot be true. My sister can teach her dance for free. You cannot charge for something that is so easy. You are just joking, right?
Yes, I have a marvelous sense of humor. So do you.
I have a horse that I love very much. I think that she wants to ballroom dance. Any thoughts?
If your horse has a high school diploma, she can try to apply to the Horse Ballroom Dance Academy. Otherwise, you need to find a large ballroom locally. However, keep in mind that she will require a male horse dancer to be successful. Ballroom dance is a dance for two horses of an opposite sex.
Do you teach children that cannot walk yet?
If they cannot walk yet but have a college education, I will consider it.
I really don’t like men, but I need one for your classes. How can I get one and avoid dancing with him?
I understand you. Those hairy beasts are quite a problem. First, you have to capture one by placing a trap on College Avenue in Fort Collins close to the ACE store. Then you put him in a cage and keep him there for a while. Do not forget to give him some simple food, or you lose him prematurely. After a week of this treatment, he will not be willing to dance with you at all.